Big Bang
- Operator
- Jun 6
- 30 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
positve>|effort|<negative
Speed story. There was a job where I had to check peoples's answers for . I believe, I could do a 50 question that was given 2 hours, in five minutes. This score was clocked by CMS. But I was sble to get the speed to a point where
Choices
Shortcuts
I was sitting next to these men working remote at a coffee shop. I struck a conversation wiith the project manager.
He told me a story of how he went to 4 years of college, saddles with student loan, and can't reach the 6 figures he thought he would have. He was in his late 30s.
He told me a story where he want to a blub where there were all these nice cars.
He was impressed. He met people in the same field, and they only took 6 months of training, and it made them 56 figures salary. They wereo nly taught the essential in the firled, without any of th work put into it.
He spoke admirinigly ofthem.
He said he wished he did that 6 month instead of 4 years since he hadn't found success.
I asked him, "So you would have taken the shortcut?"
He laughred, and said yes. He wanted those thigns they got taking it.
I replied, "But you would not be the erposn that did all that hard work. You would most likely be unaawre what hard work is.."
He didn't buge and saide he understood, but he would still take it.
I was amused. The shortcuts in life make you fear taking paths that have none. You lifve a life in fear since you know what to say and appear to know, but doubtful you really know.
The rewards for knowing is that you know, not the prizes of status. They are only tings that you become attached to, and that becomes your focus. More.
The sides we ahve always want more.
It is the immaterial , of betterin yourself, that can also grwo.
We are only in this life for a short time, and I love that I didn't succeed conventionally. I got to experience and learn from all the failures in life.
They make you self aware and teach you.
School never nds and the ouueny to find your better Self is a noble pursuite. The one paveed din Gold leada father waya fomr Self since the growht and fosu you place, go towards the Gold, and what materials ist can affortd.
impress. That is what it does. IF everyone is impressed, than you get validation. LEads ot fear ofmaintiant, and limits the choice you can mek.
Before I eft, since we had a friendly converstiaon, the one guy asked if he could have my number.
I said no,. I am a preivate person.
He was hurt, but I don't allow anyone in my phone since I resond.
It is odd how simple the sharing of numbers has been. It is just a material to have more people in your phone, more maintanance.
I just started with a new number and I have it at zero.
The attachmenst we attach alays have a cost.
time.
Time is our most preicous resource.
It can never be regained, and it is limited.
W only have 1 life to find the meaning of our perfection.
I found it early, proably my senior at age 21.
Art is the most amazing thing to never be bored and spend time on prusuing.
Rewarded without any Gold, but finding out what your best is.
Conversation
Conversations are sometimes like customs and rituals.
They can also be formal, predictable,
and give a false sense of control.
Conversations that are rehearsed takes away from the moment.
Control of the moment will limit
the value of what is said, and away from the moment.
I often ask questions to throw that rehearsal off balance
and try to guide a different path.
I start with one thing they said,
and ask them a questions and go down the line.
We follow a rhythm and soon it leads to the place
I want to ask them a question.
I don't say much about myself
because I want to have the best moment,
and often, they lose interest if you talk about Self..
People like to talk about themselves.
I most likely won't have another time to speak to this person
so I try to get to geta kernel of Truth from them as fast as I can.
My goal is not to get to know them...too long...too linear a concept.
The moment is a moment.
I ask questions that lead to something
that seems genuine to them and listen.
You learn a lot about people if you just show an interest.
They teach you things about themselve and yourself.
A question asked is a question asked of self too.
The answers are found after the conversation.
My intention is always to learn something new
and often a rehearesed conversation
just teaches me a well versed polished story.
I want to hear something new and original,
on first attempt and only attempt.
Time is the most precious resource.
Big Bang to 64 page Odyssey
"To Be the Best I can Be"
notebook September 2, 2022.
day I started 3rd mountain climb in Art.
didn't want family to ruin moment
HyDo sleeping and resting as usual
LB walked outside, safe from constant chores
no judgement...needed break that's all
gave two weeks with my data job
wanted more with life.
looked up at sky
didn't want to disturb empress sun
um...more chores or certain sun blast
passed a Test of direction.
hard work would follow day after,
but on that day, moment to take in
Truth that matters remains.
"Dear Life" by the Claptones, playlist ever September
Remind of best night. happy and content
looked up at Eternal Night Sky, smiled.
happiest ever been. walking new path. 3rd mountain. Writing.
Found direction, path would lead, purpose would follow
write something of value was direction.
where were the philosphers and prophets of old?
where was originality? Not since Rand...where were philosophers
did they hide themselves from this world content
wanted peer reviewed works, couldn't find any.
thought of the wisest man that was known, and read the Proverbs next day.
King Solomon didn't reasonate, too much Faith. moved on, though
good quotes on forgiveness and the power of words, which I kept.
Searched for a day, found Brainyquotes.
new Delphi, database of Wisdom. no ads yet
needs revenue to exist. hope survives, keeps the torch alive.
collected data, modern and ancient. Ancient was preference.
read life of philosphers in Wikipedia
life and philosophy complete story, one and same.
followed words that resonated, follow my interest, always have.
narrowed down, influence approved, limits
West, 3 Great Greek and the Roman Emperor, Marcus Philosopher King
East, One Budha and Confucius and a newly discovered philosopher. Favorite because new
Lao Tzu.
Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu - chapter 41
The wise student hears of the Tao and practises it diligently.
The average student hears of the Tao and gives it thought now and again.
The foolish student hears of the Tao and laughs aloud.
If there were no laughter, the Tao would not be what it is.
Lao Tzu is trolling foolish student blind to his own Way.
Flow is the way, each to their own
"If there were no laughter, the Tao would not be what it is."
love that line, laugh everytime. Lao Tzu showed sense of humor.
Even 10k is funny to me. can't be counted by people that memorize, or I think.
The Way, the Truth of Self, which cannot be named unless, you know, put a lot of work ...
better to say it is unnamed so people don't try to name it.
Knowing is kept without Words.
When you know, you know. Doubt paved the way to your knowing. Doubt refines until
Truth survives.
To know without doubt is foolish, like the fooolish student that would laugh at his own philosophy.
Don't know, don't care...which is not rare for almost everything in life. Don't ge worked up.
don't know, do care..rare..gotta write down.
Means I want to know more.
write things down, figure it out. A first attempt, show m trying to figure something out.
Just because I know, gotta QA and write it down and see, um do I know?
A lot times I do know, which is a pleasant surprise.
Lot of writing is proof I know, best QA, but make fun
Um was learning, loved the work placed by HyDo. Found endurance that helped
Wish the sleeping who are now Lost..sad, but true
blind to own spots...but neither here nor there, let's finish these notes.
when wrong, correct before forget.
Be it small or large, no matter what, correct to unforget
mistakes greatest things. reveal a better path that can take.
Strength to take, weak to avoid or intentinally forget.
Test of Worth. Fail 3 times. Now intentional.
Repetition is the great teacher of habit, cruise control to decisions. keep tip top shape.
Corrupt if not looked at, like spotted dogs of first canines, natural enemy of lions
3 times is the defintion of a mistake. After 3, made a choice.
mistake is now no longer mistake but intentional.
first hand account. Like Goodal, research on the some, opposite
but losing track. Big Bang was "To be the Best I can be"
Success in finding myself, without having to know others
don't know, don't care...but will write in notes to show
um learned, every moment counts, even while 3 Certains
gained rewards on benefit of doubt..sigh
now 3 lines to Trust. best education is experience
Codex of Trust
Learn to Trust Oneself by being Trustworthy to Others.
"Always Trust Conditionally"
Certain 3 learn Trust by being untrustworthy to Oneself and Others..
Big Bang of the Stories
I imagine that the quiet times were most likely the hardest for my wife's sister.
Especially the late nights, filled with shadows.
The stillness is where silence is felt.
The waiting can be unbearable, especially when hope seems lost.
I am sure she prayed into the empty nights when she was alone.
I am sure the emptiness made her feel even more alone.
One thing I have no doubt though, her prayers were filled with hope.
Hope is never wasted, no matter the results.
It is a gift brought into this world."
9 sentences. Big Bang to non-ficition and fiction. May 1, 2023 visiting my sister-in-law at the hospital. Writing story under previous title: obituary, means story of last days
Title in document, wife signed and managed to tell a very vague story
but whatevs, still in the official document..that should be peer reviewed.
Credibility issue. Limits reveal what done after
9 lines, which have not changed. funny how creation begins
681 days to complete White Sands, 9 sentences as the beginning of all my stories
moves me every time I read. what I felt when I was left in solitude,
with my freedom taken, based solely on the word of my wife and her youngest daughter.
nine sentences was the flash of white light that expanded until it reached a childhood memory. remembered Sister Laticia, gave me her Bible, and a hug similar to the one my wife's sister gave me.
Kept expanding Eternal Blue Sky, a story about my time at the orphange
From the time my wife went on vacation, while I relived orphan's life.
continued to move to Eternal Black Sky, a story about how the Universe was created, with the orphan as one of the main characters. Not bad story of creation, used similar themes as what is familiar, will be my Trilogy, written at 15, over heartache of a red-haired girlfriend.
9 simple sentences is genesis
with a simple thought from the most painful moment of my life.
glad not quit White Sands.
training ground to learning how to write for any genre,
not just an oversentimental piece about a sister-in-law I barely knew.
She was nice though, tried to give my condolences to her sister every year,
but I shown through action my condolences were not needed
creating Excel programs is similar to writing stories, which would make sense.
only writing I did prior to this, formulas and macros.
My programs get built without any planning, I just do it. Most of them get built in one day by the necessity of the problem. Eventually I figured out how to write 1200 lines of perfectly written code in 11 minutes. 1 day to create that program, with updgrades on the design of course.
Stories that started in linear fashion failed and got trashed. I never read them because it was boring to read. I needed to change my approach which was my approach to the writing I have been doing for over 20 years.
Just start in the middle and expand
Design and upgrades happen the more read
First moment of creation is purest
Use it to build with the interest of the moment
64 page Odyssey Outline
Storylines:
Eternal Blue Sky
Sister Laticia in White Sands
Altar boy
kind friends
kissed a red haired Eve parted ways heart broken
wrote Trilogy revised at age 47
History
Turned 18 doubt no more
Taught Roman 12 yrs
no more, but loved the Faith, just didn't believe
As for others, not Roman
stop drawling at University
Graphic Design major um, used finally at 48
B average, rarely studied, flunked chemistry
for science majors, picked wrong class
annoyed memorizing, but studied and passed
had to take it twice, last time I memorized
Read Rand, inspired, Fountainhead number 1
in Limits
Art History, Philosophy,Ancient History
Myth, Greek Roman, Classical Music, the best
No math or science, memorizing nope, always avoid
Asked them questions, listen to their expertise
The best painter, recommended a color book, changed my style
Played speed chess with his brother, successful Illustrator
Met my first steady Eve, reminded My First Eve who I slept on the mat.
in Eternal Blue Sky.
Kindest printmaker, half Chinese, Chicago style.
I was second choice. Never pursued Eves.
Should have with Blue Moon.
Made a mistake by not seeing pitch to swing.
Learned to be a B student, among pedigrees
During Ross break
Kissed chaste Indian maiden
danced with another Irish Eve
and friends with Nepal Eve
Sincere and very very short. trusted me
Ross break over take 2,
Kindest printmaker Eve
Live in Eve, wthout a job..felt out of place
Studied on own, 3 years, quit painting
quit kindest Eve, should have been kinder
Regret, Learned from mistakes, won’t do again
Reason second attempt on marriage
Got very harmed for a mistake I don't regret
Match my best with Sun's best
Love her still, like the printmaker loved me.
Learned from mistake, no regrets.
But Blue Moon. Haven't met one like her again.
first real job at 28
Excel for Dummies only reference
Excel felt like painting
From that time never stopped
creating programs and practiced.
No matter the job, in Limits
Best Mentor, inspired, "serve the ones you lead"
reminded me of teachers of pedigree
best education PAFA
best eduction in Jobs..over a dozen maybe more, never counted
Dated several Eves, enjoyed the dance, but no Blue Moon
Never pursued but just passing interest. Met my wife...um..
Not regret, but wish I learned to Trust better
Still keeps to my rule of no complaint
Got married
lived with a large family of 5
under 1 roof
Learned many roles
Worked very very hard
favorite role Pap
Learned
obedience compassion and patience
Red Summer Cycle of 5 yrs
Lonely years
Best Test,
found who I am, gave my best,
gave my all
Best Education, self taught.
Always helped
And then it happened, 45
Tested xp and found
Very very fast in Excel.
Programs were..grandmaster works
AI crossover no AI,
Grandmaster Title, self proclaimed
when it comes to Data, I am better
Stepped down again,
wanted to be a writer
Started writing in Sept 2, 22
Labor jobs, First shift, white to blue
best decision, 12 hour day shifts,
still made programs
clock prgrm Codexe5
Intricate complicated yet simple
best code ever discovered
boring made sense more creative
made clock in prgrm
Learned practical use
simple too simple
movement with static was the key
Unlocked the mystery of
clockmaker programs I make
Separated from marriage
First attempt on Feb 13 2023
Wife begged to give a second chance
um bankrupted me but ok
Her best against my best
no complaints
My best against her best
Found out ancestors, Eternal Blue Sky theme
built a website,
writing easier protype to this site
Separated finally on 6 6 23
um uncomfortable with tht number, but don't believe
Wife signed something certain..um...White Sands
May get her to answer...the title of White Sands, what was it before?
Will be awkward if questioned about her signature of 302
Learned to Trust conditionally,
closest to losing hope
worked on White Sands
most writing, studied hard like PAFA days.
Found wonderful Free Will
away from Sun...hardest Matron Mother I ever met
Feb 10 2024 officall launched this site
wrote in 0 days from code of Codexe5
6/24/24
Wife ghosted me before signing papers
Day after I made my last payment
of a promise I loved that I kept
Gave her half my check for the year
As goodwill of Faith of promise to let me go
I kept my word and that is that
12 year cycle to wait and ask again
um..do you want to keep your promise
also don't like that date, seems to always appear
but I do not believe just funny that's all
Letters will be in Metronome, but only mine
Date and time for her to show
umm helped her even after 302
so when asked, who did you see for help
the person who was certain that I needed help
I only did my best, which is how I am
Wife's best was just different.
Took a data job
Luck
Asked to write code for a non Excel
Test of Time
Parable
Fastest Rider on the Plains
1 simple macro
Codexe5
in Alchemy
the Discovery
Like clock prgram
Feb 10 25
Finished first story
Marked as day 1
All caught up
Robes of Many Colors
roles and titles
I Prime
Art student
II A - Chronological
son
orphan
adoptee
brother
student
citizen
cub scouts
altar boy
paper boy
goalie
center
right fielder
boyfriend
fast food attendant
pet store attendant
gas station attendant
warehouse picker
university student
graphic design major
academy student drop out
live in boyfriend
receptionist
customer service representative
data management migration specialist
insurance representative
team lead
human resource recruiter
supervisor
senior supervisor
quality
trainer
sales lead
sales manager
sales head of department
husband
father
grandfather
teacher
babysitter
warehouse packer
data management representative
data management contractor
forklift driver
plant operator
video editor
separatee/pre-divorcee
writer
programmer
website builder
content specialist
coder
philosopher
Big Bang Letter about Eternal Sky
Thursday, Mar 7, 2024
I have to say, I am so surprised that this still exists. I remember writing it and putting the riddle on it.
I am excited about reading it. I read the first paragraph and was a little taken aback.
I was super sentimental for some reason. I wonder what that kid was going through.
I opened the Word document and it was looking at an archeology site. It is very exciting to get a glimpse of who I was in the past. I mean I can understand what I was thinking after reading it.
I appreciate you for keeping it safe for me. I am honestly touched beyond words. I forgot I used to write a little.
Now back to our theory on the Universe:
To create something from Nothing makes sense to me. I think Nothing is a passive concept and energy.
It would be illogical for Nothing to be created from a Universe that was Something. It would take too much energy to delete from something that was already created.
Sort of the concept that the natural state of things is usually rest. It think it would apply to the Creation.
To tell the story of creation, you need to have a creator. The possibility that it was all by chance, well I have a hard time believing it.
The probability that all of it happened without something starting it is also impossible. I mean its possible, but it is slim to none.
My Roman background caused me to believe in something, and I think that was important. Also I think it taught me kindness.
The creators in my story, though, is not God of the Romans.
They are more like our Mind. I think that is where you can find the Creators, within our 2 minds.
Logic and Art.
Left side and Right side of the Brain has 2 separate functions, and they rarely ever overlap with function.
Faith is something I will always hold dear.
Even thought I don't believe in God, I still appreciate all the other things they taught. I think the story of Creation is wrong, though.
It was most likely was created from dual creators.
Now your last thought of other life forms is an interesting line of thought that often leads the scientist off track with the creation theory.
The feeling of insignifigance can lead some to stop thinking about the time before Big Bang.
I haven't forgotten your question you asked. That is why I am writing the story called the Eternal Sky Trilogy.
Concept of the Creator exist very differently for everyone.
It is beyond what I can imagine.
The Universe is so vast it can't be contained in the Mind. I avoid that line of thought of trying to understand an unknown.
Put a curtain over that view, since it will most likely detract us from looking at the big picture.
After we figure out our own creation, then we can open that curtain to look at it again.
Now this is the part where we have our different views.
Created in the image of the Creators.
You say it is energy or soul that is the image.
You say that because you want to include all the different lifeforms.
I think your theory is more universal than mine. Also you branch it out with the possibilities of other universe.
You have 2 key elements that are causing you to create your idea of what we have in similarity with our Creator.
I have thought this too. And it makes sense and it is logical.
Too many possibilites of unknown will make your theory be able to include unknown variables.
I think it is better to make theory based on what you know.
I know my mind.
I know how to create
I think the image is our Brains. And we have 2 of them.
Energy... I don't know if we have the Creator's energy. I would imagine it would be limitless...and we do have some energies that are unlimited, like learning.
It never exhausts the mind. But other Energy, they kind of seem very limited.
Soul...in theory I believe in the soul.
But I think that is the Creators gift to us to have. Not made in their image.
The way I see the soul is that our Mind and this soul are linked.
We get to keep our memory of who we are. In some ways, that is Eternity. If you can keep your memory after we die that is the Golden Ticket.
And in my theory of the soul, only the Good can get this right.
I do have some Roman views on things, and Heaven is one of the ones I accept...in theory.
Always in theory.
Other Universes. I don't think they exist. I think we only have one.
I checked the Multi Verse theories, and it just doesn't have a strong enough case.
But the most similar concept of Multiverse in our Mind is when we do simulations in our mind.
I think that is how we know things.
When we go through the hypothetical events that happen and we get a result of what we think is True.
I think we only live one life and one universe. It is just easier to think we only have one shot at our experiences.
It's funny.
I don't think you can really know anyone until you show an interest in them.
You have been in my life for most of my life.
As children, a lot more so. And as adults, a lot less.
But the bonds stay as strong as last you visited them
Thank you again for manuscript.
I am truly touched and I will read it like it is a new release from a new author
I was a little impressed at the opening paragraph though. It sort of glided and wasn't too choppy.
A little pretentious.
But I was a kid, you know. We are all pretentious when we are young.
Love you very much,
Mark
Elephant Man
I am very unconventional. I think I have always been since I don't care what others think of me.
During my senioir year at the University, there was a project to make a theater cover for the play, the Elephant Man.
This was one of the few creative projects for Graphic Design.
Most of the time projects were dealing with designs to make articles more readable. That is all Graphic Design is, to make readers want to read the content.
I was excited with this project since I was starting to learn how to paint. I applied my newfound Art into the project.
I failed.
My idea was not picked, but it was actually a revelation.
A peer said, "I loved your idea. You always seem to do things no one would think to do."
I smiled and thanked her.
There were about 12 in the class.
All of them did a cover that was black and white with dramatic and ominous lighting. It was not revealing much since they wanted ot go the conventional route.
They went subtle.
I went the opposite way.
Direct.
That has always been my style, and still is to this day.
I figured the audience would know what the play was about.
Oddly enough the director of that movie actually went to the Academy, where I would attend the next year.
PAFA.
My vision for the poster was the skull of the Elephant Man, with a dark blue background, and the skull was painted with bright whites, red, and blues.
It was direct, and you couldn't know what it was unless you got close and read the text.
That was the point, it was supposed to make the passerby's curious.
It was Art that was a poster, sort of like a blog as Art...I could care less the title of what I am writing on.
The reader has to come close and see the text.
When the class saw it, their eyes widened in shock.
Even the teacher didn't know what to make of it.
He said, after a few seconds to collect himself, "This is not subtle, which is the theme of the play."
I answered, one of the few times I felt the need to explain,
"I know. I figured that the poster would draw people into the poster, since most of the audience would know what the play was about. It is just a different way to wake them up, and want to see the play."
The teacher nodded, "I undersand."
No one commented after that and the next poster was shown with a discussion., which was fine.
I knew it wasn't going to be picked, but I enjoyed painting it.
I took a picture of painting, and then putting it in the program that printed it out.
That was my first published work in graphic design.
All done by myself without validation needed.
25 years later I would appply my Graphic Design skills again with this site, starting on September 2, 2022.
The nice classmate just said, when she commented how unconventional I was, outside of the others to judge her opinion, said, "I thought yours was the best."
I thanked her and just went to the empty still life room to continue studying that night.
I know this because that is where I always went until that room was closed, and then I went home and painted in my studio.
Hopefully I got to see my friend, Blue Moon, my best friend who I miss.
I needed to study those still lifes, and at home, to be able to hold my own against the elites at PAFA the next year.
Nothing is Lost, only Forgotten
A chapter closed reveals the whole,
from start to finish is where truth can be found.
When I was worked in the Black Zone,
I had a co-worker who returned after a week off.
I asked her what she did that week.
She looked at me and said, "My mother passed away."
I remained silent as I let her feel those words she spoke.
I knew she wanted to say more.
She said, "I miss her so much, Mark,
especially the long drives to work and back."
"My mother kept me company."
I did not know her well, but I tried to bring comfort.
I told her, "I understand in this moment you feel she is gone."
"She still remains, in the words you spoke while she was alive."
"A chapter closed gives those words more meaning."
"They can no longer be created."
"Look back Sheila, at what your mother was trying to tell you."
"What is lost can be found, if you return to the moment."
"Nothing is ever lost, just forgotten."
"See what she was trying to say to you."
"See the whole of your time with her, and you can find the truth."
Her eyes watered and she only nodded.
I returned back to my job as a forklift driver.
32 Knock
When I was young, I watched my great aunts and Mommom play this game called Dimes.
You bet one dime in the pot and 3 cards were given to each player.
The one with highest amount won the pot.
1 - 9 were the same value.
Jacks, Queens, and Kings were worth 10,
Ace was 11.
They had to be same kind to add.
Not sure all the rules, only played it once.
Anyone can Knock, meaning final round.
If you were the lowest, you lost somehow, I think you only had 3 chances.
If you were the highest, you won the pot.
If you got 31, you automatically won.
My aunts and my grandmother were playing conservatively, building up their numbers, slowly and methodically.
They asked if I wanted to play because I was watching.
I joined and played my way for fun.
I Knocked on the first round or so, if I had 15 or higher.
I won and took all their money and they all said the same thing every time I Knocked.
"Why on earth are you Knocking on the first round, Mark!"
My answer was, "I think I can beat you old ladies, you play too conservative."
I didn't really say that, I said,, "cause I can win."
I was Knocking them out early and winning a lot of hands.
I was playing the probability that I would not be the lowest.
They were shocked, these aunts that were used to playing long rounds.
They just wanted to talk and have fun, but I wanted to have fun with them.
It was rare that I got to see them.
We had something to talk about at reunions.
I joked with my aunts when I saw them, and they all laughed whenever I brought up this story.
I am not sure if they thought it was funny during, most likely they saw this asian kid just throwing off their nice pleasant game.
I don't think they minded for one week to have a memory of me.
They were sweet like Mommom.
They most likely thought I was going to play like they did, and just play dumb.
I saw the best course to win and I loved being around them.
Every time I called, "Show me what you got, I am Knocking" on the first round, they gasped and their eyes widened.
And I knew, I was going to get all those dimes.
That is one of my fondest memory of Mommom.
I shared a great memory with her because she was amused the whole time.
She laughed with delight as I made her sisters gasp every time I Knocked.
My grandmother was one of the sweetest mothers I ever met.
Cup of Cynicism
Recently, on 5/30/25, I was waiting for my order for coffee.
In front of me were two teenage girls chatting it up
and they wanted to treat themselves on a Friday
I just waited while I listened to my music.
There was a break in the pattern.
The one girl was frantically searching for her wallet.
The order was placed and it was at the section where a credit card was needed.
The other friend looked in her backpack and there was a feeling of loss.
It was a moment where disappointment was setting in.
When I see something,
I just do within my means.
I didn't even think before I spoke up,
"I can pay for that. How much is it?"
The two girls were startled at hearing my voice.
"13.85," the bravest one answered.
I went to the console and swiped my card.
They both said thank you,
I picked up my cheap coffee,
and took a seat somewhere else.
The one that lost her wallet called her parents
to make sure it was in her room.
I sat far from them,
so they wouldn't feel like I expected anything.
I don't have much,
but if I can help,
I do my best.
I ate less that day,
since $13.85 is putting me in the red
for what I am willing to spend.
I ate one meal that day,
which was 3 hot dogs.
I didn't help them to make myself feel better,
but I simply wanted to help,
by making the environment better,
by putting my best effort.
Sometimes that comes off as me being fake,
for those that see me go back to my natural reserved state after.
I don't correct them,
and let them think whatever they want of me.
Trying to persuade others who I am is pointless,
and I would not want to improve at that sort of thing.
The more you do something,
the better you get at it,
and the more it becomes a part of you.
I have witnessed what persuasion does firsthand,
and it leads to manipulation,
which then leads to the path of shortcuts to getting things.
The benefit of the shortcut is you do less,
and gain more, an efficiency that has a cost.
Your mind naturally only sees shortcuts as the only way.
When I helped those girls,
the cost was I ate less, and sacrificed.
It was the opposite of the shortcut
and it was worth it for me.
I got to do something that proved
that I try my best to help others.
That is it.
Improving is the only way I know to do my best.
I don't know, the saddest part of this story is not the money,
but I knew to stay far from them after I helped.
The two girls were reluctant to talk to me,
since a gesture out of the blue seemed suspicious to them.
Most likely they think a middle aged man wants something
and wouldn't give help freely.
All I wanted was a coffee and to write in the morning.
There are always choices in life,
and ignoring is a choice of the cynical.
I don't want to ignore what is front of me.
With less interaction comes the cost of less trust in others.
The two girls wanted to have a morning
where they got to treat themselves.
I got to treat myself also,
by showing I am doing my best,
no matter what.
It is a practice to becoming a better person.
I still keep my Faith in others,
even if I have been mistreated.
I refuse to be cynical.
Humor of tragedy
I was writing in a park,
when a group of bird watchers walked by.
I asked them. "What is the rarest bird you ever saw."
They gave me their stories which I enjoyed listening to.
I said, "It is like luck that you are trying to find."
They all nodded and explained their feeling of seeing
that rarest of creatures that they placed as a trophy memory.
They were happy talking about the moments of finding luck.
They got to relive the great moments of their passion.
As I was about to part ways,
the one guy asked my question back,
"What is the rarest bird you have ever seen?"
I thought about it and said,
"A low maintenance girl friend."
"I have yet to meet one in my life,
but I continue to believe she is out there."
They all laughed and he said, "My friend here is one."
I replied, "Nope, not falling for that again."
Before I started dating my wife,
she said she was low maintenance.
Though tragic,
the contrast is where I find the humor.
125k bankruptcy,
her second one she caused,
in her second marriage,
in 5 years time.
That is not a sign of low maintenance.
Modern Grand Master
I enountered my first grandmaster of the modern and it was not what I would have thought.
He was a guy on the floor who bragged he was ranked in NJ.
I said cool.
I haven't played in a while, why not play a round?
He smirked and said sure.
I forget his name, but he had a goat tee and he was short.
He was a nice guy, but with chess, he was certain he was going to win.
I am sure he got a challenged when he announced he was top player in his state.
I was uncertain and just wanted to see what it was like to play against state level ranked and not just small pond of neighborhood, a friend who I played tag, ghost in the graveyard, and Street Fighter II on Nintendo.
He started agrressively wanting to get checkmate with a fork, so I countered naturally, to not get checkmated in 10 moves.
He wanted the validation he was still the best in the room, and it didn't go his way with me.
I just played the game and within half an hour, I said, "Checkmate."
This modern grandmaster pride was shamed, since he didn't ask for a rematch, which I would have done.
You need at least best out of 3 to see who won.
I was puzzled why he didn't want to play me seriously.
I think he was scared after seeing my middle game.
I brought the Queen out and just went wild with the Knight to devastating effect.
I left him out of breath because the middle game was unlike he had ever faced.
I never allowed him to dictate the tempo, continued to attack, and just smothered any will for him to win.
I shook his hand, which is the way to end games, but he never mentioned chess around me again.
Modern just met Classical, and this was even before I was painting.
Soccer Camp
I have never been ambitious,
often staying in the middle of my environment,
to not be the worst, and definitely not the best.
My speed limit is the middle of those that surround me
so I won't get noticed or be bothered.
I find my best without bothering anyone.
I rarely raised my hand or wanted to be noticed.
The first time I remember really trying my best,
and showed a speck of ambition, was in 8th grade.
I joined the soccer team that year,
and can't remember a single game.
I never played before, so I chose goalie as my position,
which is the best position to start
if you never played a day of soccer in your life.
I was not particularly athletic nor competitive.
Soccer camp as my achievement.
I stuck out at camp, as all goalies did
since we didn't wear shorts.
There were only a few classes for goalies,
so I sat in on classes that wouldn't apply to my position.
The teacher called my Name.
I was amused he picked me,
of all the other student to choose,
he picked the least skilled.
He instructed me to try to kick the ball away from him,
as his purpose was to get past me.
He then started explaining to the rest of the class
what he was going to do and never stopped talking.
I decided to go past the speed limit of what a 13 year old could do.
It is hard to focus and talk at the same time.
I could find victory in this moment, and had an advantage.
Teacher showed pride of certainty.
He was a 20 year old varsity player being slightly cocky.
With his overconfidence being his weakness,
I had the upper hand in this contest of the moment.
I wasn't going let this moment pass.
As he was instructing the rest of the students
as he was dribbling down towards me.
I wasn't listening.
I was watching the distance of his kicks from his cleats.
I was back pedaling, feigning defeat,
but prepared to move forward when I saw an opening for victory.
Retreating with every intention of never surrendering.
I saw the lazy dribble.
Before he could react, I sprang forward with my limited athleticism,
and kicked the ball out.
There was silence.
A grade schooler defeated a varsity college soccer player
in front of class.
The teacher was just proven wrong.
This was a Break in the Pattern.
I knew he was going to be mad since his pride took a hit.
I don't blame him.
Take me seriously if you are so sure to call my Name.
I just smiled, without gloating,
and waited to see how he would react.
The varsity college player said,
"Let's do that again."
"That didn't go as planned."
I nodded and this time,
I just gave a half measured attempt to stop him.
I was no match.
If he was focused on passing me,
99 out 100 times he could do it.
I chose the 1 out 100,
don't talk while you are facing me,
take me seriously
and don't be so certain I won't try to win.
Old Man and the Garden
I remember when I first visited my grandparent's house
and I was tasked to spend time with Pap.
The first month or so, he didn't say much
but just told me to do chores.
He didn't know what to make of me.
I just did what was told.
I was lazy when I came over and just followed orders.
I didn't do much at the orphanage.
If nothing else was asked,
I just waited and sat there thinking.
It was after I pulled weeds for Mommom's roses,
which were her favorite things in the world,
that I think I got some help with the old man.
She saw that my hands were bleeding with her ask.
I think she told her husband to start talking to me after.
She was one of the kindest woman I have ever met,
and this would be like her to do something like this.
I was doing the chores alone when I went over there my first month.
After that, Pap and I had a great relationship.
We created our own inside joke.
Pap would ask how much did he owe me at the end of my shift.
I would give the price that was promised...
and then he would list all the sodas and food I ate
and start deducting my pay.
I would protest that Mommom gave me those things.
He would debate with me if this should be a factor,
since he paid for the food.
Mommom would speak up on queue.
"Give the boy his money."
"He did his job."
Almost every time this dance would happen.
My grandfather would go into the closet,
turn on the light by pulling the string in the middle,
grab the cigar box that held the cash,
and grumble about giving me the money,
often saying that I was lucky to have Mommom on my side.
It became our thing.
We didn't talk about anything serious and just did this routine.
But I felt closer to him every time we did this.
I would later get even with Pap,
and just ask for lunch before I started any of chores.
Pap's eyes would widen in shock
and he would call me lazy.
I replied, "Mommom can decide if she wants to make food for me."
And she always did.
I had amazing experiences with them.
Pap was someone I enjoyed company with,
and I named myself Pap when I was married,
and had two grandsons of my own.
Every time they called me "Pap"
it would bring a little of the past into the present.
I love that name because he meant a lot to me.
I painted two paintings of him.
He accepted me as family,
and that meant a lot to me.
I am Korean.
Those two previous works are the only paintings I ever did of my family.
The one above is my favorite painting I ever created,
since those memories come back every time I see it.
The image holds my experience with him.
Pap is a part of me and his story is a part of my Name.
There was another side of Pap which I was just as fond of.
He was willing to take shortcuts, and have me help as a kid.
He was willing to use his grandson for his own amusement.
I didn't mind.
It made him all the more memorable.
One time we gathered all the aluminum he could find and we went to the recycle center.
The truck got weighed.
As we took off only the aluminum, Pap told me nonchalantly, "Mark, take those two cinder blocks and put them along with the aluminum."
I was amused.
The value of the amount received would now be calculated in Pap's favor.
If I got caught, I was just a kid that wouldn't know the rules.
Without questioning his instructions, I did what was asked.
The heist was a success.
My grandfather and I bonded over something I dared not ever bring up with him.
Pap was particularly happy on the ride back, with the amount and with me.
I didn't judge and just kept my mouth shut.
I didn't tell Mommom or anyone else, just my Dad, who laughed.
It was our inside story, until he passed away and I told some of other family members.
They all laughed and were not shocked.
Pap was old school.
He would sell his tomatoes and corn to the neighborhood.
He was a part of the community and he enjoyed the weekends at the stand, with his two grandsons weighing the produce and picking the corn in the morning.
I got to see him at his best, having conversations in Italian with some of the old timers.
If it was a Sunday, he would get dressed in a suit, with these little tissues on his face from shaving.
He always got dressed for Church, which I would later follow the few times I went this year.
It is good to show your best one day out of the week, and show respect to a Faith.
Pap was one of a kind.
I have happy memories of him.
I will never know if Mommom ever told him to talk to me or not, but that is just what I remember.
It was after I pulled the roses he started talking to me.
Mommom was the sweet and Pap was the sour, who was really sweet inside.
You just had to earn your dues to get inside his circle, which I would later learn with my family where I was called Pap for 5 years.
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