Limits of Faith
- Operator
- Jun 8
- 11 min read
Updated: Oct 18
Truth is often unpleasant, as often untrue as the pleasant.
The limits of faith is one can only see what their beliefs will allow, including belief in others.
Some only want to see the pleasant and deny anything otherwise.
Those that only believe in what is believable or likable will be easily led. Pleasntry is the easiest thing to mimic.
Limitations are not obstacles, but boundaries of what is possible.
Within borders are opportunities of how far one can push the limits, instead of trying to expand the territory.
I was once given a task where updates needed to be done manually, while my co-workers had automated ease of use.
Naturally I was annoyed and initially tried to find a work around.
It was not possible.
I accepted the limits before complaints gained traction.
There was no other way but to do it manually, which gave me time to add another task while I waited for the slow upload with some creative coding.
A rhythm of creativity and dull was found, like a pendulum metronome, a perfect tempo discovered, of supporting need and want with motion.
After a while I was grateful for the long hours needed.
A clear mind, without complaints, made the flow of limitations become a part of the solution, not against.
I went with the flow of the obstacle and found a new technique.
Metronome.
Change tempo, movement makes work fresh, moving from want to need, and the center, simple.
Staring at a road that needs to be taken only allows more time to reach point never.
A step forward breaks the illusion of never point.
Time moves towards the future, so must the direction always be, forward and ahead.
Best way to overcome doubt and complaints is a motion forward.
Action is all that is needed, instead of an endless debate of words.
I learned from my wife, a person who had a strong distaste of me doing things she didn't ask for, even if it gave me joy.
She used to throw pillows in my face when I was writing and demanded attention.
It was an escalation which I just asked her what she needed.
The answer given was a chore or a story.
I would listen and do as asked, and then return to writing after.
A move ahead with my life.
It got so bad that I had to move the computer to the living room because she complained about the sound of typing keeping her awake. Which was valid, but not after she demanded that I move it back in the bedroom.
I would still be writing, no solution was found.
When I asked why, Isa said she missed me.
Doubtful after the attempts made.
I just went with the flow and kept being happy by avoiding being home.
That is Certain for you, wanting to slow down from doing,
The most effort required is often the first step forward.
Placing best effort towards that step, with a clear mind, absent of complaints and Certain, will break the traffic jam of doing.
I do not miss my wife after recalling that amusing memory.
I learned a lot about myself from the marriage.
I learned how to take a pillow to the face, and just not care of the provacrion. best way to learn patience is to have an impatient person test your patience, Rudeness no longer phases me
I created my own strategy when dealing with Empress Sun, to match my effort to her best of gaining rewards.
I retreated without surrendering.
"You are right," and it let me move on.
Last thing I wanted was a debate with the most Certain debater, who was undefeated.
The ones she "lost" were quota losses still under win category.
Sun Empress kept two set of books, she had to win even with losses.
So I took on the role of loser without any problem.
Towards the end of the marriage, during the 4 month anti-honeymoon, she was surprised when I would not back down.
I started saying no and stopped retreating.
I learned all I needed to from the marriage and her ask to say I was unhappy and spend more time with her was a contradiction.
Her need to retaliate was great.
Her hatred and anger was ironic.
This was her idea, for the anti-honeymoon.
I wanted to be separated from her but she insisted we stay together.
My counter balance was to get better at leaving her, with what I needed to get away faster than she could enter my space.
I got better at fleeing because she just wanted to make me suffer.
I became a nomad, ready and packed to move at a moment's notice, when I got these fire drills from the angriest wife.
She wanted a fight and I wouldn't give it to her.
No retreat from loving her, no surrender to following her ways to harm.
I would not compromise on this, since I was very happy.
I found a new Art, writing.
I was practicing like I did with painting.
I loved these fights because I could get away and find time to do what I wanted.
I crossed her Rubicon, when I said this wasn't working.
We should part in peace, was what I thought.
My wife is a war dancer, she has no peace within, so she still sought war.
Just as I had Rubicon, so did she, and I crossed her line,
February 8th was the day, after she returned from her vacation with her family.
Her certainty of my unhappiness was where the new battle line was.
I did not budge and would always tell her that I was happy and she would never accept.
It was the strangest thing.
If the Sun Empress told me she was happy, I would have celebrated.
She was my best friend.
Her reaction was opposite.
She just didn't believe.
A conditional disbelief didn't bother me, while she kept testing to see if I would still remain happy.
The answer is,
"Yes, I can be happy no matter what."
"Happiness comes from within."
I learned a lot from the Desert Sun.
It made me like camel that doesn't need encouragement or kindness, and yet still remain happy.
I have a theory of why my wife couldn't believe I was happy.
She knew what she was doing, and sadly it was intentional.
She "did not know" was her safety net, too much of a pattern is the pattern hidden under excuses made.
Timing of when she knows and doesn't was the tell, only when it benefits her does the knowing change.
"I didn't know what I was doing, you should have told me," was what she would say frequently.
I avoided telling her what I felt, since it would be debate of what she was certain and blame would follow.
Always the blame...sigh...don't miss that.
Empress Sun created a dynamic where telling her anything she didn't want to hear was faced with punishment.
Anything can be normalized through repetition, so I avoided.
There is always a breaking point, no matter how strong you are.
The Empress must have kept asking, how can you be so happy after the way I treat you?
My answer is,
"I love you, doesn't mean I have to believe what you say or think of me."
It is impossible to keep me down for long.
I get back up, dusted myself off, and moved on.
I know what they did and it doesn't matter.
No bitterness remained, even during all the suffering caused in June of 2023.
They lost their faith in me, without ever doing the one thing that needs to be kept with faith, keep your promises.
Words have to be kept or else the faith leaves you.
I kept my faith by trying my best to keep my word, no matter what.
I know who I am now when faced with the faithless in me.
It was an experience I won't have again for long.
I learned to trust better, one and done, and move on.
It wastes time giving the benefit of the doubt.
When you know, you know.
I found my limit after my wife and her two daughters, along with her entire family, returned from an all inclusive vacation.
Isa used credit cards used in my name, and would add to my $125,000 debt, which I later filed for bankruptcy that year.
When the bankruptcy was finalized I gave my wife half my check for half a year.
I love my wife and showed I forgave her unconditionally.
I decided to write what I forgave when it became apparent she did not forgive me for...forgiving the unforgivable...
Not sure.
Anyway, my wife pushed past my limit when she returned with a tan.
I didn't mind while she was away, I was too busy keeping up with my responsibilities that week.
I learned to juggle chores and it was fun.
During the week she was relaxing, I had to babysit her two grandsons, drop off her mother at the airport, and work 3 jobs, about 100 hours worth of work that week.
I didn’t mind this workload, though I asked for help before Isaleft.
"Can I have some support with picking up the kids?"
She told me nope, you gotta do it all by yourself.
I accepted without complaint and did my best with the support not given.
This was the test of my marriage.
It was a test of effort, which only helped improve my meaning of what trying my best meant, through my experience of 6 years with the family I lived with.
It was a once in a life opportunity, to be married to my wife, and live with her two daughters, who did not believe in me, and only believed in what they were entitled to from me.
School never ends, and I took the courses given in life.
My wife, Maria Isabel Williams, was a next level curriculum.
This was not on the syllabus.
When my wife returned she was angry with me.
She told me I embarrassed her, since I didn't call her more often during her vacation.
When I told her I was busy that week, she ignored my answer.
It was only the next day Isa apologized and said,
"I didn't know you were so overworked, you should have told me."
That was when she crossed the Rubicon.
I decided to leave her after that.
She was asking me to be a beggar, not a husband.
She taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life.
My wife intentionally did not see I was overworked and purposely didn't understand, placing a disbelief that only benefitted her.
After that I learned that some purposely disbelieve, don't respond, ignore, or misunderstand for their own benefit.
I could see clearly what she did.
My wife disbelieved that I needed help, so she would not need to return the effort given, and find ways to ask for more.
I changed after this.
I always trust conditionally.
If I see insincerity, I move on.
One and done.
There are those that see only what they want and refuse to see anything beyond their own make beliefs, which avoid having to do anything.
It is a belief of convenience and comfort.
They may never understand, no matter how often I try to explain, or do my best, which allows them to dictate my tempo.
There are some that waste time, with a debate on what they choose to understand.
To make understanding conditional, is an insincerity I have no time for.
Time is the most precious resource.
If sincere I will try to explain, if not, I no longer allow them in my space.
I have to move on and let them waste their own time.
I got to take care of her grandkids for one week.
I took them out to eat, grocery shopping to pick out snacks they wanted, and gave them each a different space to be their own.
I set aside a comfortable spot for the youngest to watch his videos on my tablet, 12 little monkeys was his favorite, and a PS4 for the oldest to play his games, Miles Morales was his jam at the time.
I set up a desk with the games so Eli could feel what it was like to have his own room of sorts.
I bought posters and hung them up to make it feel like his own room.
Sonic and Jack from Night Before behind the monitor.
I created an environment where they felt that I cared for them to the best of my abilities.
My wife's family and I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with myself, my wife, her two adult daughters, and 2 grandsons.
There was never any privacy, and this was an opportunity to have the kids feel space of their own.
They were well behaved and happy that week.
No tantrums out of them and lots of thank you.
They went to bed without any issues,.
It was no problem watching them, while I worked my 100 hours worth of work.
It was the most memorable time I had, and my fondest with my family.
The youngest grandson, who had health issues, was provided water without having to ask.
He always said thank you whenever I gave him water after it was empty.
I asked him if he was thirsty once, because he seemed to be drinking a lot more than what I usually saw.
The youngest simply nodded, and said, "All the time."
From that moment, during the week, I made sure his cup was filled, no matter what, with two set aside.
I raised them how I thought was best, which was to make sure they didn't have to beg for things.
I gave things before they had to ask.
I didn't ask for them to tell me since an ask that is ignored or not followed through, will increase the chances of never asking, like I did with my wife.
Sadly my wife does things on purpose, hidden under intentional mistakes.
My absence of asking things from Cleopatra was from being told no or excuses made.
The breakdown in communication was on purpose.
She was right with whatever topic discussed since my tactic was to admit she was right.
It would have led to an argument of how ungrateful I was to even ask such a thing.
It was easier to do things on my own without any help.
Asking for help would have caused more work for me, with complaints towards my way and time wasted with an argument.
The pattern of not helping unless it benefitted her gets tiresome.
Sadly, even if it benefitted her, it still was not enough to keep her word.
The only word Certain has kept is,
"If you think you can leave me, you have no idea what they can do."
I tried to break up with her multiple times, before I married her.
Maria Isabel Williams constantly came to my apartment, and bleached my clothes, destroyed my things, and would often bring her grandson so she could get in.
It only got worse once I gave her keys to my apartment during a peaceful stage.
My unconditional trust given to her was rewarded with punishment, and it would take 6 years to finally try to leave her, knowing the threat of her word she kept.
It took that long to overcome my fear of her threat.
On May 18 2025, I was threatened for a phone to be handed over.
I said no and experienced a similar threat that my wife made, except more overt.
That didn't stop my constant saying of no, because I see that giving in to threats means a boundary claimed.
Instilled fear to do as they please is a constant terror that remains.
A threatening person thrives on more attempts to threaten.
The best solution is to leave their space, after saying no.
When I was at the hospital alone, I understood the limits of faith.
My wife lied to the police and to the admitting doctor, and went on vacation while I was stranded alone.
The first day I was silent and tried to grasp the moment.
My wife and her daughter did the unforgivable, and it was not anger, hatred, or passion I felt, but just accepting what they did.
It was trying to figure out how it would never happen again.
The second day I got past the pain and started to figure out, how did I get here?
It was because of the unconditional trust I gave them.
I decided on the third day, I would never give that again.
I will always trust conditionally, since I saw the limits of faith.
There are some that will return trust, with acts and words that only bring them benefit, knowing you will return and trust them again.
After that, one and done.
It was not just for my wife and daughter, but to all that come in my space.
Time is the most precious resource.
I don't have time for those that break trust by believing and disbelieving as they choose insincerely.
Though it is possible they can change, but not while I am in their space.
Let them figure it out on their own time, and not on mine.
Pain will always exist.
Suffering, though, doesn't have to last longer than the moment of pain.
That is what my wife, Maria Isabel Williams and Maya Byrd taught me after they did the unforgivable.
I forgave them because I didn't care what they did it to me,
I just cared how it would not happen again, and forgiving them is the best way to understand without being attached to the suffereing they intentionally caused.
I felt the pain but the suffereing no longer exists, and never will.
Timeline
Started: 4/10/25
Completed: 4/25/25
Days: 15 days
Genre: Faith
