Pride III
- Operator
- Apr 13
- 10 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
Family
Family is feeling safe to be yourself
When I was young, I watched my great aunts and Mommom play this game called Dimes.
You bet one dime in the pot and 3 cards were given to each player.
The one with highest amount won the pot.
1 - 9 were the same value.
Jacks, Queens, and Kings were worth 10,
Ace was 11.
They had to be same kind to add.
Not sure all the rules, only played it once.
Anyone can Knock, meaning final round.
If you were the lowest, you lost somehow, I think you only had 3 chances.
If you were the highest, you won the pot.
If you got 31, you automatically won.
My aunts and my grandmother were playing conservatively, building up their numbers, slowly and methodically.
They asked if I wanted to play because I was watching.
I joined and played my way for fun.
I Knocked on the first round or so, if I had 15 or higher.
I won and took all their money and they all said the same thing every time I Knocked.
"Why on earth are you Knocking on the first round, Mark!"
My answer was, "I think I can beat you old ladies, you play too conservative."
I didn't really say that, I said,, "cause I can win."
I was Knocking them out early and winning a lot of hands.
I was playing the probability that I would not be the lowest.
They were shocked, these aunts that were used to playing long rounds.
They just wanted to talk and have fun, but I wanted to have fun with them.
It was rare that I got to see them.
We had something to talk about at reunions.
I joked with my aunts when I saw them, and they all laughed whenever I brought up this story.
I am not sure if they thought it was funny during, most likely they saw this asian kid just throwing off their nice pleasant game.
I don't think they minded for one week to have a memory of me.
They were sweet like Mommom.
They most likely thought I was going to play like they did, and just play dumb.
I saw the best course to win and I loved being around them.
Every time I called, "Show me what you got, I am Knocking" on the first round, they gasped and their eyes widened.
And I knew, I was going to get all those dimes.
That is one of my fondest memory of Mommom.
I shared a great memory with her because she was amused the whole time.
She laughed with delight as I made her sisters gasp everytime I Knocked.
My grandmother was one of the sweetest mothers I ever met.
Adoption
Adopting someone is the most noble act one can make.
I rememer when I first came over to their house and I was tasked to spend time with Pap, the first month or so, he didn't say much but just tell me to do chores.
He didn't know what to make of me. I just did what was told begrudgingly.
I was lazy when I came over.
I didn't do much at the orphanage.
If nothing else was asked, I just waited and sat there thinking.
It was after I pulled weeds for Mommom's roses, which were her favorite things in the world, that I think I got some help with the old man.
She saw that my hands were bleeding with her ask.
I think she told her husband to start talking to me after.
She was one of the kindest person I ever met, and this would be like her to do something like this.
I was doing the chores alone when I went over there my first month.
After that, Pap and I had a great relationship.
We created our own inside jokes.
Pap would ask how much did he owe me at the end of my shift.
I would give the price that was promised...and then he would list all the sodas and food I ate and start deducting.
I would protest that Mommom gave me those things.
He would debate wiht me if this should be a factor, since he paid for the food.
Mommom would speak up, "Give the boy his money. He did his job."
Almost every time this dance would happen.
He would go into the closet, grab the cigar box that held the cash, and grumble about giving me the money, often saying that I was lucky to have Mommon on my side.
It became our thing.
We didn't talk about anything serious and just did this routine. But I felt closer to him every time we did this.
I would later get even with Pap, and just ask for lunch before I started any of chores.
Pap's eyes would widen and call me lazy.
I replied, "Mommom can decide if she wants to make food for me."
And she always did.
I had amazing experiences with them.
Pap was someone I enjoyed company with and I named myself Pap when I was married and had 2 grandsons of my own.
I love that name because he meant a lot to me.
I painted two paintings of Pap and one of both because I was so fond of them.
There the only paintings I ever did of my family.
Pap's painting is my favorite since those memories come back every time I see it.
The image holds my experience with him.
Even when he bossed me around it amused me. He watched me like a hawk and taught me how to do it right.
My Mom and Dad were great parernts for allowing me to see family by ourselves, and work for them. It allowed me to have our own relatinshiop with them, wthout it being supervised.
I don't get nervous meeting new people, or working, or any social anxiety because my parrents allowed me to be by myseld with friends and family, at an early age.
I was 6 or 7 when I started doing chores and meeting both my grandparents for sleep overs.
I never forgot those lessons and Pap is a part of me when I work hard.
He also showed another side which I found to balance all those lessons of hard work..
Break in Pattern
Break in pattersn are memories unforgotten
There was another side of Pap which I was just as fond of.
He was willing to take shortcuts, and have me help as a kid.
He was willing to use his grandson for his own amusement.
I didn't mind.
It made him all the more memorable.
One time we gathered all the aluminum he could find and we went to the recycle center.
The truck got weighed.
As we took off only the aluminum, Pap told me nonchalantly, "Mark, take those two cinder blocks and put them along with the aluminum."
I was amused.
The value of the amount received would now be calculated in Pap's favor.
If I got caught, I was just a kid that wouldn't know the rules.
Without questioning his instructions, I did what was asked.
The heist was a success.
My grandfather and I bonded over something I dared not ever bring up with him.
Pap was particularly happy on the ride back, with the amount and with me.
I didn't judge and just kept my mouth shut.
I didn't tell Mommom or anyone else, just my Dad, who laughed.
It was our inside story, until he passed away and I told some of other family members.
They all laughed and were not shocked.
Pap was old school.
He would sell his tomatoes and corn to the neighborhood.
He was a part of the community and he enjoyed the weekends at the stand, with his two grandsons weighing the produce and picking the corn in the morning.
I got to see him at his best, having conversations in Italian with some of the old timers.
If it was a Sunday, he would get dressed in a suit, with these little tissues on his face from shaving.
He always got dressed for Church, which I would later follow the few times I went this year.
It is good to show your best one day out of the week, and show respect to a Faith.
Pap was one of a kind.
I have happy memories of him.
I will never know if Mommom ever told him to talk to me or not, but that is just what I remember.
It was after I pulled the roses he started talking to me.
Mommom was the sweet and Pap was the sour, who was really sweet inside.
You just had to earn your dues to get inside his circle, which I would later learn with my family where I was called Pap for 5 years.
Contrast
It is the contrasts that reveal,
reflections of opposites,
which bring clarity to both.
I loved my 5 years with the family that gave me an opportunity to be a huband, father and grandfather, no matter how it ended.
Sadly I can't call my wife's two grandkids by name or title, just through the name of the painting is all I am allowed.
Mother's Word is Law.
His mother forbid me to talk to him over a trivial matter.
But I kept my word, with only breaking it by telling him that I loved him and added a few encrouraging words, when she wasn't there.
I never spoke to them after I was given instructions from his Mother.
I kept my word, not out of spite, but because she made an accusation and would not back down.
It wsan't safe for me to talk her son in case another accussation followed with explicit instruction never to speak to him.
My wife's oldest daughter words matter.
What was said could not be taken back.
I wouldn't allow it.
The accusation made prior broke my heart. That one took a while to get back up from.
I am not worried if she makes it again. I baby sat both those kides while they were on vacation in February.
Plus the same Title given to me by my wife, she also was given that by her family, that seems to use this Title for some sort of punishment.
They have a tendency to bring other parties to step in.
I refused to talk to my wife's eldest for 3 months.
For her to say that, the shame was too great to ignore.
I refused to aknowledge her without her apology.
The apology never came and so I remained silent towards her.
My wife begged me to let things go back to normal, without an apology or correction from her daughter.
I finally caved, but I never forgot, since forgiving without remembering is a cardinal sin.
That means the forgiveness has no value if you forgive without remembering.
Every time I forgave my wife or her daughters, I remember and still continued to forgive.
My wife, in the Metronome, kept reminding me of her grandson, who her daughter accused me of these things, without remembering that her daughter's action in the June email she aknowledged as receiving.
Certain was upset that I didn't respond to her diganosis, and forgot that there is an account of the hostility that was happening.
She didn't think it was big deal when I asked her what she would do, she said, stay in your room and avoid her.
I forgave her oldest daughter, but I would keep her word given, because that was a way to show, I still love her and always will.
In the June 4th letter I explain the reason, and how she reacted when I kept my word to never speak to her or her sons.
My wife would later say the solution was for me to stay in my room and not come out when she was there.
I left and never returned to live there, since it was an unsafe environment for me.
Jsut as I learned how a family comes together for the majority of my life, I learned what breaking a family does, and how anything can be normalized. Sad, but true.
