Limits of Faith III
- Operator
- Mar 3
- 22 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Test of Trust
"Judge only in others if they are Trustworthy"
Truth is often unpleasant, as often untrue as the pleasant.
The limits of faith is one can only see what their belief will allow, including belief in in others.
Some only want to see the pleasant and deny anything otherwise, a blindness to the Truth for the sake of belief.
I had to shed my belief to see Truth.
I wrote this page because I knew what was happening, but couldn't explain during my time under the Desert Sun.
I was surprised at what I found, which was humor and hope.
My Self was kept intact, sterngthened by the challenge.
With my best, I endured, which is how I made my luck.
I never quit and never will, after seeing what I endured.
I will never have another opportunity to be challenged by another like Certain...um I avoid them like the plague, if I see signs of her like.
I passed the Test and now I understand what I just survived.
Limitations
"Life has no limitations, except the ones you make."
Limitations are not obstacles, but boundaries of what is possible.
Within borders are opportunities of how far one can push limits, instead of trying to expand the territory.
I was once given a task where updates needed to be done manually, while my co-workers had automated ease of use.
100 updates would take me 4 hours, while the same task only took 5 minutes for my peers.
Naturally I was annoyed and initially tried to find a work around.
It was not possible.
Expect nothing, accept everything.
I accepted the limits before complaints gained traction.
There was no other way but to do it manually, which gave me time...to add another task while I waited for the slow upload...with some creative coding.
A rhythm of creativity and dull was found, like a pendulum metronome, a perfect tempo discovered, of supporting need and want with motion.
After a while I was grateful for the long hours needed.
A clear mind, without complaints, made the flow of limitations become a part of the solution, not against.
I went with the flow of the obstacle and found a new technique.
Techniques are the treasures in life.
Time
The present time has one advantage over every other, it is our own.
Staring at a road that needs to be taken only allows more time to reach Point Never.
Step forward and get it done. Time moves forward, and so must the direction always be, forward into the Void of the Nothing.
Best way to overcome doubt and complaints is a motion forward. Action is all that is needed, instead of an endless debate of words.
I learned from Certain, a person who had a strong distaste from me doing things, even if it gave me joy.
She used to throw pillows in my face when I was writing and demanded attention. It was an escalation which I just asked her what she needed.
The answer given was a chore, either a story that must be listened to or an actual chore. Which I would listen and do as asked, and return to writing after.
It got so bad that I had to move the computer to the living room because she was complaining that the sound of typing was keeping her awake. Which was valid, but not after she demanded that I move it back in the bedroom.
I would still be writing, no solution was found.
When I asked why, Certain said she missed me.
Doubtful after the Metronone...she just wanted to control..um...somone from enjoying what they were doing and being happy.
I just went with the flow and kept being happy by avoiding being home.
That is Certain for you, wanting to slow down from doing,
The most effort required is often the first step forward.
Placing best effort towards that step, with a clear mind, absent of complaints and Certain, will break the traffic jam of doing.
Our mind creates creations of destiny, a prophecy by our certainty.
Victory
Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.
Every now and then I show a glimpse of my potentional in the moment.
I am not ambitious, never have been.
I like to stay in the middle of my environment, to not be the worst, and definitely not the best.
My speed limit is the middle of those that surround me so I won't get a speeding ticket.
I find my best without bothering anyone.
I rarely raised my hand or wanted to be noticed.
The first time I remember really trying my best, and got a speeding ticket, was in 8th grade.
I joined the soccer team that year and can't remember a single game.
I never played before, so I chose goalie as my position, which is the best position to start if you never played a day of soccer in your life.
I was not particularly athletic nor competitive.
I remember soccer camp as my achievement.
I stuck out at camp, as all goalies did...um didn't wear shorts.
There were only a few classes for goalies, so I sat in one for defensive players.
The teacher called my Name.
This was my David and Goliath moment, sadly, the highlight of my sports career.
I was amused he picked me, of all the other student to choose, he picked the least skilled.
Goliath was sure of himself because he knew goalies are rarely out in the field.
We stay close to the post.
As he explained what he was doing while he was kicking the ball down, my ambition kicked in.
I decided to go past the speed limit of what a 13 year old could do.
I though to myself, it is hard to focus and talk at the same time.
I could find victory in this moment, and had an advantage. Teacher showed pride of certainty.
He was a 20 year old varsity player being slightly cocky.
With his overconfidence being his weakness, I had the upper hand in this contest of the moment.
I wasn't going let this moment pass.
As he was instructing the rest of the students as he was dribbling down towards me.
I wasn't listening.
I was watching the distance of his kicks from his cleats.
I was back pedaling, feigning defeat, but prepared to move forward when I saw an opening for victory.
Retreating with every intention of never surrendering.
I saw the lazy dribble.
Before he could react, I sprang forward with my limited athleticism, and kicked the ball out.
There was silence.
A grade schooler defeated a varsity college soccer player in front of real players.
The teacher, who was telling his student how he was going to pass a 13 year old kid, in a goalie uniform, was just proven wrong.
There was a Break in the Pattern.
I knew Goliath was going to be mad since his pride took a major hit.
I don't blame him.
Take me seriously if you are so sure to call my Name.
All the real soccer players were shocked.
What just happened?
I just smiled, without gloating, and waited to see how Goliath would react.
The varsity college player said,
"Let's do that again. That didn't go as planned."
I nodded and this time, I just gave a half measured attempt to stop him.
I was no match.
If he was focused on passing me, 99 out 100 times he could do it.
I chose the 1 out 100 to tell him...um..don't talk while you are facing me...um take me seriously and don't be so certain I won't try to win.
Retreat without surrendering is my favorite tactic in life.
I would later do this tactic on my wife for 7 years, for the entire relationship.
She called my Name when she said,
"If you think you can leave me, you have no idea what I can do."
In some ways, she is Goliath and I am David, and the sling shot of that story is the same.
Truth wins over belief when it matters.
Effort
"Strength and growth come only
through continuous effort and struggle."
Ease of use is a burden for growth.
It is just comfort.
Better to learn how to deal with something that is not easy and create your own tools to make it comfortable.
Making tools is the best skill to have since it can be translated to any other problems.
If one can create a custom-made tool, through technique, perception, habit, or a process, to make something that is hard become easy, that is a skill worth improving.
Creations has value if useful.
The marriage got so difficult that I had to create a password Ilovemywife1! to remind myself to stay positive.
I had to get creative to keep pace to Alpha Certain pushing the limit of what she felt entitled from a husband that retreated without surrendering.
I told Certain she was right, so I am on the hook for anything she says she is right.
This was the cycle of marraige that I embraced as my only hope, to survive the marraige.
I took on more work.
Metronome
Time reveals the Truth, with effort shown, based on Time when effort is made.
Email: From me to my wife
Date: Wed, Aug 16, 2023 at 5:36 PM
Hello Certain,
The username is: *
Password is: Ilovemywife1!
Let me know if you have any issues and I can reset the password again.
Please let me know if you need anything else.
thanks,
Mark
Shield
Matcht your best with tier best. Never forget the race is within.
It was an amusing race of 7 years and Empress Sun found my Rubicon in February of 23.
Life is an interface, just like anything else, one that has complications of others sharing space.
Lots of challenges since there are many that have their own tools at hand, all with different styles, with techniques that work for them.
I improved in life since I never sought out validation, nor cared if I was misunderstood. Certain saw me as a loser since she won every battle in the marriage.
I retreated without surrendering, admitting to Empress Sun her right to be right, without surrendering myself to her righteousness.
I never forgot her threat when I tried to break up with multiple times.
I believed her when she said, "If you think you can leave me, you have no idea what I can do."
I left Certain on Feb 13, 2023 and she followed up on her threat several times, 4 from my count.
She begged me to return, for a second chance, to make good on her threat.
Certain made a good point.
Alpha said it was a decision made by just me, without her decision. I returned since I promised myself I would never break up without giving my two weeks notice.
I have always regretted leaving Linda the way I did, and I promised I would never do that again. An oath kep tis an oath that remains. and makes you a better person.
The harder a promise is to keep, the more value in the promise kept within.
The Word given and kept, become a part of you for the rest of your life.
After that, Certain got worse and started to become crueler. I went the opposiste, to match her cruelty.
Match my best with your best is another way to say, relationship are always balanced, stability can be exact opposites, of counter weight.
We were complete opposites in every way. The only commonality we had were, we were both artists.
I was trained, Certain was not.
She never had a critique on her art of acting techniques.
My wife's acting got worse, since she thought she was winning and I wa a loser....um, I was getting stronger as a loser.
Victory matters only to the prideful.
Retreat without surrendering
Nowhere can man find a quieter
or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.
Effort based on rewards, especially financial, limits effort. It becomes too transactional, and disappointment inevitably follows, since effort made becomes less frequent.
Those motivated solely by rewards succeed in only finding new ways to remain unmotivated.
Best effort is best intention.
I created my own strategy when dealing with Empress Sun, to match my effort to her best of gaining rewards.
I retreated without surrendering, "You are right," and it let me move on.
Last thing I wanted was a debate with the most Certain debater, who was undefeated. The ones she "lost" were quota losses still under win category.
Sun Empress kept two set of books, she had to win even with losses.
So I took on the role of loser without any problem.
It was just a title I don't believe in, harmles to me since I didn't believe.
Now when Alpha gave me the Title on 6.6.23, that was different.
That is not the best idea of taking my Name since those that call my Name get my Best, and actually owning my Name...not sure.
That might be asking for my entire Best, of all that I know coming to reclaim it.
No retaliation from me, since that is not my way, but this is a first.
I might have to acutally become Alpha until I get it back, who knows.
Spartan Law
"No retreat, no surrender
Towards the end of the marraige, during the 4 month anti-honeymoon, Alpha was surprised when I would not back down.
I started saying no and stopped retreating.
I learned all I needed to from the marriage and her ask to say I was unhappy and spend more time with her was a contradiction.
Alpha was ramping up her cruelty since I separated with her a day before Valentines Day, and publicly to her family.
Her need to retaliate was great.
It was great for me too, since I improved every time I left her, since she was getting out of hand. Her hatred and anger was ironic, this was her idea, for the anti-honeymoon.
My counterweight was to get better at leaving her, with what I needed to get away faster than she could enter my space. I got better at fleeing because she just wanted to make me suffer.
I became a Nomad, ready and packed to move at a moment's notice, when I got these fire drills of the angriest wife I had ever seen.
Certain wanted a fight and I wouldn't give it to her. No retreat from loving her, no surrender to following her ways to harm.
I would not compromise on this, since I was very happy.
I found a new Art, writing.
I was practicing like I did with painting. I loved these fights because I could get away and find time to do what I wanted..
That was day I crossed her Rubicon of, "If you think you can leave me, you have no idea what I can do."
Just as I had Rubicon, so did she, and I croseed her line.
Her certainty of my unhappiness was where the new battle line was.
I did not budge and would always tell her that I was happy and she would never accept.
It was the strangest thing. If the Sun Empress told me she was happy, I would have celebrated. She was my best friend.
Her reaction was opposite.
She just didn't believe.
A conditional disbelief where I wasn't bothered, while she kept testing to see if I would still remain happy.
The answer is, "Yes, I can be happy no matter what. Happiness comes from within."
Desert Sun
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
I learned a lot from the hot Desert Sun.
Made me like camel that doesn't need encouragement or kindness, and yet still remain happy.
I have a theory of why my wife couldn't believe I was happy.
She knew what she was doing, and sadly it was intentional. She "did not know" was her safety net, too much of a pattern is the pattern hidden under excuses made.
Timing of when she knows and doesn't was the tell, only when it benefits her does the knowing change.
"I didn't know what I was doing, you should have told me," was what she would say frequently.
I avoided telling her what I felt, since it would be debate of what she was certain and blame would follow. Always the blame...sigh...don't miss that.
Empress Sun created a dynamic where telling her anything she didn't want to hear was faced with punishment...a long argument that just wasted time.
Anything can be normalized through repetition, so I avoided.
There is always a breaking point, no matter how strong you are.
The Empress must have kept asking, how can you be so happy after the way I treat you?
My answer is, "I love you, doesn't mean I have to believe what you say or think of me."
"I am my own person, as you are your own. Match my best with your best."
"I go with the flow, I couldn't help it if you thought I was a loser, I never thought that about you..never will, even after you called me that."
"All is forgiven, I can endure anything you say or do."
It is impossible to keep me down for long. I get back up, dust myself off, and move on.
I know what they did and it doesn't matter.
I learned and moved on with the lessons taught. No bitterness remained, even during all the suffering caused in June of 23.
They lost their faith in me, without ever doing the one thing that needs to be kept with faith, keep your promises to faith you place.
Words have to be kept or else the faith leaves you.
I kept my faith by trying my best to keep my word, no matter what.
I know who I am now when faced with the faithless in me.
It was an experience I won't have again for long.
I learned to Trust better, one and done, and move on.
It wastes time giving the benefit of the doubt.
When you know, you know.
Marriage
I do not think you can name many great inventions
that have been made by married men
I didn't realize that I was able to master Ttme so well, but it made sense. I was juggling chores for my family without even noticing.
They asked a lot of me, and I kept matching my best with their best of asks.
I found Art in the work and my family demands continued to grow. I didn't mind because I hadn't found my limit with this arrangement.
I was content until my wife found the ask I would not give.
She was shocked. Not sure why, um...it was excessive what she demanded.
Cleopatra finally found the Rubicon line of what I was unwilling to let her cross.
The ask was way too much.
Julius
"I came,, I saw, I conquered"
I found my limit after the week my wife and two daughters, along with her entire family, went to Jamaica for an all inclusive vacation, with credit cards used in my name, and would add to my 125k debt, which I later filed for bankruptcy that year.
Sheesh I know..my PTO with this family was minimal, benefits were nil. Poor management, a negative score to the family business bureau...but still love them. They most likely never saw me as family is my best guess...don't know, but do care..they are still family.
My wife pushed her limit to the max that week.
I didn't mind, the more work I was given, the more I had to push my best to maintain the ask.
I learned to juggle chores and it was fun.
During that week she was away, I had to babysit her two grandsons, drop off her mother at the airport, and work 3 jobs, about 100 hours worth of work that week.
I found my limit after this, not during.
I didn’t mind this workload one bit, though I asked before my wife left, "Can I have some support with picking up the kids."
She told me nope, you gotta do it all by yourself.
I accepted and did my best with the support not given.
This was the limit of my marriage, no support, which I enjoyed learning what I could do without.
I find this story amusing because it explains why I can work so hard. I forgot I did all this until I started writing on this page.
Marriage made me grow from the limits of their lack of help, and I had the endurance of a workhorse. In comparison to their growth, which is, don't know.
Comparing is the first rule to complaints.
Don't.
Compare only the interactions, actions, and words said to see the contrasts that reveal the truth.
It is the contrasts that reveal,
reflections of opposites,
which bring clarity to both.
School never ends, you take the courses given in life.
My course was next level shit.
Environment
Adapt to your surrroundings
I got to take care of her grandkids for 1 week.
I took them out to eat, grocery shopping to pick out snacks they wanted, and gave them each a different space to be their own.
I set aside a comfortable spot for the youngest to watch his videos on my tablet, 12 little monkeys was his fave, and a PS4 for the oldest to play his games. Miles Morales was his jam at the time.
I set up a desk with the games so the oldest could feel what it was like to have his own room of sorts. I still made sure to watch him in case he needed something.
I bought posters and hung them up to make it feel like his own room. Sonic and Jack from Night Before behind the monitor.
I created an environment where they felt that I cared for them to the best of my abilities.
My wife's family and I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with myself, my wife, her two adult daughters, and 2 grandsons.
There was never any privacy, and this was an opportunity to have the kids feel space of their own.
They were well behaved and happy that week. No tantrums out of them and lots of thank yous.
We watched movies with popcorn, and I set up a fort underneath the table to do as they please. They went to bed without any issues and it was no problem to watch over while I worked my 100 hours worth of work.
It was the most memorable time I had, and my fondest with my family, that would later treat me...unfamily like is the best way to put it.
The youngest grandson, who had health issues, was provided water without having to ask.
He always said thank you whenever I gave him water after it was empty.
I asked him if he was thirsty once, because he seemed to be drinking a lot more than what I usually saw.
The youngest simply nodded, and said, "All the time."
From that moment, during the week, I made sure his cup was filled, no matter what, with two set aside.
I raised them how I thought was best, which was to make sure they didn't have to beg for things.
I gave things before they had to ask. I didn't ask for them to tell me since an ask that is ignored or not followed through, will increase the chances of never asking, like I did with my wife.
Temptation
When harm is done, that is the most tempting to not do your best. Hold onto to your resolve.
My absence of asking things from Cleopatra was 5 years of being told no or excuses made.
The breakdown in communication was on purpose. She was right with whatever topic discussed since my tactic was to admit she was right.
It would have led to an argument of how ungrateful I was to even ask such a thing. It was easier to do things on my own without any help. Help would have caused more work for me, with complaints towards my way and time wasted with an argument.
My marriage was a lot like Cinderella, and the missing asks you see from me, who definitely needed some help, especially with the financial side...was intentional, it had to be.
The pattern of not helping unless it benefitted her is proven in the Metronome. Sadly, even if it benfited her, it still was not enough to keep her word.
The only word Certain has kept is, "If you think you can leave me, you have no idea what I can do."
I tried to break up with her multiple times, before I married her. Certain constantly came to my apartment, and bleached my clothes, destroyed my things, and would often bring her grandson so she could get in.
It only got worse when I gave her keys to my apartment during a peaceful stage. My unconditional trust given to her was rewarded with punishment, and it would take 7 years to finally try to leave her, knowing the risk of her Wrod she kept.
It took that long to overcome my fear of threats. On May 18 of this year, I was threatened for a phone to be handed over.I said no and watched as a simolar threat my wife made, except more overt harm. That didn't stop my constant saying of no, because I see that giving in to threats means a border crossed.
They now have instilled fear to do as they please.
Interesting to see the dynamic after writing this down for the first time.
I had to learn to write so I could explain myself because I was faced with a situation where another was speaking on my behalf.
In the whole 12 months of the Metronome, not once did Certain explain the two June dates where she made statements to outside parties. and followed up with her threat made when I tried to leave her the first time.
Never again will I ever leave a chance where my wife gets the entire floor of who I am. Not after the last two times.
Just can't chance it.
Cleopatra knew what she was doing and I applaud her style, I adjusted with never asking. Made me a better person.
Whatever style she used is fair game...except the June 6 and 28 play...that was crossing the line.
Fair play was crossed and I still moved on. A threatening person thrives on more attempts to threaten.
Family
Never abandon your family, for you show disloyalty to Sels
Because this family is so certain, I rarely gave them my thoughts, except to the Titled "Eli," my wife's grandson, who I tried to impart what I knew.
"Do your best, no matter what. Don't let anyone hold you back from trying your best. Don't worry if you look foolish, just do it and you will see. You will find that you love the effort."
I hope someday he remember what I tried to teach him, in between teaching his ABCs. I took on that task because it was not getting done and I didn't want him to fall behind, taken on along with my hours of work and chores.
The asks were often from lack of asking and just leaving alone for a dodo like me to just do.
My wife and I just had different meaning of what best meant, which was the reason I separated from her, without any passion or animosity.
I was tired and there was no break in sight with her.
No judgement.
She asked a lot out of me without helping me unless I begged for help, like the youngest had to do.
My wife and I were opposites in almost everything, which helped each other grow into our own.
Rubicon
Change will not come if we wait
for some other person or some other time.
When my wife returned with a tan, I picked them up from the airport, she was silent on the car ride back.
Something was bothering her. I had no idea what that could be, but I knew an arguement was about to ensue.
Body language reveals more than words. Read people from their actions and then let words support the read.
Don't read only by words, that would be foolish.
Appearance are meant to deceive, first impressions especially.
People tell the truth of the moment, make judgement on the whole of the person, and actions reveal effort.
Judging by effort is a better litmus test on the sincerity of a person.
Sincerity is consistent.
My wife taught me, like a magician who revealed her tricks, the art of mimicing sincerity.
Her favorite mottos was "fake it till you make it," and "don't do your best unless it benefits you."
I learned to read insincerity, seeing the tells without even trying anymore.
Once you experience something, it can't be unlearned.
When we returned to our bedroom, she shut the door and went into a rage.
She demanded to know why I did not contact her enough. She was embarrased that I was not attentive.
Appearances was what she angry about.
It amused me when she went through her theatrics, not sure the intent..hmmm to make me feel..not sure the reasoning...to apologize for helping her..I got used to this and just listened.
Not a thank you for the help given, which was par for the course.
School never ends, you take the courses given in life.
I calmly explained that I had a lot to do, including making sure her mother got to the airport on time, drop off the youngest at daycare, drive the oldest at school, work 3 jobs, pick up the youngest from daycare and take care of them when home for a whole week.
Didn't have much time to talk.
My wife would not listen and just told me that I was not a good husband and I embarrassed her.
I didn't say anything and went back to work.
I was unfazed. I didn't mind at all. I was used to it without changing my mood.
Words only have power if you believe.
I stopped believing her since it would make me a more pliable servant...amusing to see it from this perspective, but it explains a lot of her signature she signed, of owning my Name and Title given.
I just went back to work since I wasn't done for the day.
It was only the next day that the Sun Empress apologized and said, "I didn't know you were so overworked, you should have told me."
That was the moment I decided to leave her.
I did not find this amusing.
Celopatra passed the Rubicon.
A wife does not ask her husband to beg.
She broke her wedding vows many times before, but this was the ask that I could not afford to see as a break of her word given.
I was unwilling to make this the norm.
I had my belief I hold of Self, and this would break my belief in who I am.
The Sun Empress was asking me to be a beggar, not a husband.
She should have known better to ask that as a wife who did not help.
The ask was too great, the shame of that ask should have made her silent, but it didn't.
She continued with her speech of her certainty of what was right for me.
Some asks will be denied, without any concern of compromise.
This was the ask that I refused.
It was obvious Empress Sun had no intention of trying in the marriage. She wanted me to suffer, and still does to this day.
Cleopatra
I will not be triumphed over
Cleopatra begged for me to return with a plea that the separation was decided without her input.
My last live in of 5 years, I left without telling her.
We didn't have the talk. I promised to never do that again and so, the marraige dance was tried one more time.
Cleopatra asked that I see a therapist, as one of the 3 things she wanted.
It would later reveal her abnormal certainty that would be noticed by the licensed therapist.
I saw this licensed therapist twice, which was scheduled by my wife.
It would be under my wife's health plan from Feb 13, 2023 to June 6, 2023.
I kept my promise for an odd request.
I was not unhappy or stressed, just had a lot on my plate.
When I saw this certified therapist via video, when asked if I was stressed or unhappy, I replied, "I am not. I am happy and relaxed."
Immediately after, I got a text from my wife. She gave a list of things she demanded I say.
This was first attempt at placing her certain diganosis by Certain.
I laughed and told the therapist that my wife is giving me reasons why I am stressed and unhappy.
The therapist and I both laughed. The session ended shortly after since there was nothing to talk about.
After the call ended my wife went into a rage and started berating me. She told me I wasn't taking the therapy seriously. I told her I was happy and not stressed.
She told me I was not happy, and that I was stressed.
Her rage and invading space just kept getting worse until she was the subject matter expert on who I was in regards to what I was thinking.
I had never met someone so certain of stress in others, when she could not see for herself, she was stressed. Perhaps it was because she was the only one that knew how deep in debt we were.
I never had access to those accounts until after 6/6/23. I would find that the debt I thought was double, 125k. I thought it was 60k in the statement below.
